Change Management: 5 ways to support yourself in the process of change

Before deep change, there is deep reflection. 

2020, the mother of all mirrors. 

Usually it takes a rock bottom, a near death, a death or an eat-pray-love experience for us to face the thing that’s been holding us back: ourselves. 

I’m not talking about our conscious selves, we would never knowingly hold ourselves back. I’m talking about something deeper.

Scientists call it ‘conditioning’, psychologists say ‘maladaptive beliefs’, new age folk prefer ‘self-limiting beliefs’, I’ve heard motivational gurus use ‘subconscious programming’, while the mystics say ‘the shadow self’, you’ve probably also heard it referred to as ‘your demons’. 

Call it what you will. 

The point is, we live most of our lives mindlessly, on autopilot, saving energy for when we do need to make decisions, problem solve or run from wildebeests. And that’s a smart way to save energy. The downside is that if the program our autopilot is set to has a glitch in it, a mistake of some sort, a conditioned-maladaptive-limiting-subconscious-shadow-demon-thought lurking deep below our awareness, we’re going to repeat that mistake around 90% of the time.

Change. You can want it so bad, SO bad, you can have a rad plan, and try real hard, but it won’t stick if you don’t deal with whatever your subconscious mind is tripping on. 

It’s futile. 

YOU, however, are lucky enough to be, right now, in the process of deep change, real, lasting change. You have 2020 to thank. 2020 has forced us all into some deep dark reflection.

Please. Don’t. Stop. 

Don’t stop now if things are ‘going back to normal’. Instead of going backwards, go deeper.

Before we get to my theory of how change starts in the mind but is set to fruition deeper within the body, and my tips on how to support yourself in this process, let’s first get real about what you’re signing up for.

The process looks like this:

In the process of change, the process of making something new that didn’t exist before, also known as the creative process - things get worse before they get better. 

It seems cruel but it’s actually genius. 

The high emotions we experience at the start of the process suck us in, but as we get into it, they quickly fade.

Hiding in your rock-bottom-despair at the center of the process triggers the exact emotional wound or ‘subconscious-shadow-demon’ that would continue to trip you up if you didn’t deal with it. It’s exactly what you need to deal with to change the programming that’s stopping the change from sticking. 

These deep wounds or misconceptions were ingrained before you had rational thoughts, so no amount of thinking can transcend them. Only when we feel the pain can we heal the pain. Corny but true.

After the low point in the middle where we are forced to deal with our baggage, is when things start to get better. We still make mistakes and missteps that teach us more valuable lessons that are needed in order to achieve what we set out to do. The closer we get to achievement, the higher our spirits soar.  

Many people, I’m raising my hand, hit this point of discomfort in the middle of the process and see it as an inconvenient obstacle rather than the gift it is. Opening ourselves up to feel is the invitation into the backend of our autopilot programming, where we can make edits and change our programming, swapping unhealthy patterns for empowering ones. 

Instead of leaning into this awesome opportunity, many of us get frustrated with the perceived obstacle and give up on the process and ourselves, ultimately, allowing our minds to rationalise and justify our exit plan. Letting our unhealthy patterns live to ruin another day.   

Not today, today we’re going deeper into the fire of transformation. 

I’m nearly up to the 5 sassy tips because everyone loves a listicle, but first I want to quickly back up my claim that the true processing power lies in le body. 

You’ve heard about the benefits of gratitude, right? How it’s proven to boost mental health and resilience? I’ve found that listing our blessings is just the vehicle that gets us out of our minds, into our bodies, where we physically feel gratitude. Thinking about things we’re grateful for, can alter our mindset to be more positive ONLY when we allow ourselves to FEEL it. You can fake a gratitude practice the same way you can fake an orgasm. Hopefully your grateful façade will trick yourself into feeling it below the surface, but if you’re as stubborn and headstrong as me, you’ll walk away with the disappointment you brought with you plus some more.

I suggest that it’s not the thinking, it’s the oozey warm feeling you get in your chest, the moment of being in your body and leaning into the joy, that is where the real benefits of gratitude come from. Brene Brown discovered that even though it might seem responsible to prepare for life’s potential hardships, in reality, the people who MENTALLY rehearse disaster, are statistically less resilient. She found that the people with the greatest resilience were the ones that leaned deeply into their FEELINGS of joy. 

Are you sold yet, the body trumps the mind? Feelings over thoughts? I know it’s hard to swallow when we’ve been taught to believe emotions are less reliable than logic. Try to stay open to it if you’re not there yet. 

Here it is, what you’ve been scrolling for, 5 Failure Friendly tips for transformation that sticks:

1. No blame games

When self reflecting there will come a moment when we become aware of an aspect of ourselves, that until now has gone unnoticed, this is when we experience mindfulness. Mindfulness is the opposite of mindlessness. Meaning the behavior we uncover was participated in it mindlessly, it was subconscious behaviour. 

We have no control over subconscious behaviour until the ‘aha moment’ when we wake up to ourselves and become conscious to it. Whatever you’ve done or not done, it really wasn’t up to you, so it’s a waste of time to punish yourself with thoughts like ‘I should have known better!’ There is no shoulda, coulda or woulda when it comes to subconscious thoughts and behaviours. So don’t waste energy judging yourself for your mindless choices. 

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take responsibility for your actions. The moment we become conscious is simultaneously the moment we become response-able. Finally seeing the full picture gives us the ability to discern and respond. Before I unpack how to respond consciously, you need to understand that mindfulness is a thought or knowing that happens in the mind. The next step is to move this insight away from the mind and into the body where the transformation begins.

2. Out of our minds and into our bodies

One of the hurdles of transformation is processing this new information. Instead of getting stuck in our head by falling into vicious cycles of over-thinking, we can take the idea from the mind and transform it into a feeling, for our bodies to process. As I said earlier, the power of gratitude practices are well documented, but it’s not the gratitude lists that boosts our mental health. Counting our blessings is just the vehicle that brings us into our bodies where we physically feel gratitude. You know that oozey warm heart-full feeling? That’s where, I argue, the real restorative benefits come from.

Gratitude is to joy what forgiveness is to pain, both are experiences that happen in the body, not the mind. If 2020 forced you to reflect and uncover some painful truths, this is a call for forgiveness. Again, emotions need to be felt and transformed in the body. Joy needs to be felt and transformed into an experience of physical gratitude, while pain needs to be felt and transformed into an experience of physical forgiveness. The cool side-effect is that both of these transformative experiences boost our resilience and make us stronger (which we will need as we step further into the process of change). As compared to dwelling and obsessing about pain or joy in the mind, that will only shrink or swell our egos. Having an inferior or superior ego makes us more fragile to life’s bumps in the road. 

Start by thinking about the pain that’s attached to your mindless behaviour, how it’s negatively affected you and those around you. Now consciously invite that discomfort into your body to feel the sensation of that pain. Scan your body, where do you feel it and what does it feel like? Lean into the discomfort, you were designed for this. Name it, aloud if you can, even better face yourself in the mirror as you do it. Feeling leads to healing, another corny truth, healing is when we can forgive or release the pain so that it stops interfering in our autopilot program. 

The only person you have to forgive in this moment is yourself. If someone else wounded you, don’t feel pressured to forgive them. You can forgive them if it feels good, when and if you’re ready. Or you can visualise handing them back the baggage along with the responsibility for them to forgive themselves. If self-forgiveness doesn’t feel attainable right now, just being willing to forgive is enough.  

Rather than telling your hurt self to cheer up, instead give yourself space to feel all of your feelings without judgement. If you notice yourself holding a grudge on your past self, or panicking about falling apart, breathe into that feeling and invite forgiveness to soften its edges. You can journal or affirm something loving like ‘it’s okay, let it out, I am willing to witness this.’

3. Understand what you’re up against

Imagine a path in the Aussie bush. Surrounded by trees and thick shrubs, the narrow clearing has been worn away by constant foot traffic. Your mindless thoughts and behaviour have a neural pathway just like this well-worn path. You’ve unknowingly practiced the response so many times that it has become a habit, requiring zero effort for your brain to perform. Changing your thoughts and behaviours is like walking off the well-worn path and bush bashing your way to a new reality. Urgh. As I looked down the barrel of change recently, it was not the uncertainty that scared me most, but the high likelihood of failure. The mindfulness I had mustered felt like a drop of water, while the ingrained pattern of unhealthy behaviour was the ocean. It feels impossible not to slip right back into the old comfy pattern. What was the point, right?

Wrong. If you have the same fear of failure, acknowledge how difficult this feels, then listen up. Even a monk cannot maintain mindfulness 24/7 so we are going to find ourselves back in the mindless pattern sooner or later. Slipping back into subconscious programming is subconscious a.k.a. no self judgement or blame games allowed (refer back to point 1). Instead of giving up before you begin, prepare for the inevitable relapse and visualise now, what will you do to course-correct when you slip back into mindlessness?

4. Breaking the habit, one relapse at a time

Welcome the relapses, they are an important part of the process and yes, there will be many. Relapsing into old patterns is not failure, it’s not even a setback. Embrace each slip with open arms because relapsing is our opportunity to bounce back, and bouncing back is how we break down old patterns. It’s in the bouncing back that we work our resilience muscles and cement the desired transformation. 

‘Bouncing back’ sounds fun and easy. It’s not. As you test out your new mindful behaviour, you’re going to feel the pull of the old habit. It will to try and lure you back to the well worn path with it’s comfy promise. You’ve practice the mindless behaviour so many times it’s become comfortable, in comparison this new behaviour feels very uncomfortable. Resisting this pull feels wrong. Even though it feels wrong, this discomfort is a sign that you’re on the right path and in the process of change. So remember, if it feels wrong - you’re doing it right!

Soon you will have broken away from this mindless habit so many times that when you do relapse, your mind will be flooded with memories of how you’ve bounced back. Knowing you’ve bounced back before makes it easier for you to slide into those conscious choices. This not only strengthens the new habit and your transformation, but it weakens the old patterns. Remember this as you’re choosing to act differently and wading through the discomfort after those early relapses. Every time it will get a little easier. 

Establishing a habit isn’t immediate, the fastest proven way to forge a new habit is to add the desired behaviour to an existing habit. For example, we habitually brush our teeth at the same time every day, so our existing morning or nighttime routine is the perfect time to practice the new thought or behaviour. (This is why I write affirmations in lipstick on my bathroom mirror).

5. Celebrate your relapse with a shot of dopamine 

There is a secret weapon you can use to supercharge your transformation: dopamine. Dopamine is the feel good hormone that is released whenever we tick something off our to-do list or achieve a goal. Our brains are addicted to dopamine. It’s been proven that when you give yourself a dopamine hit after completing a task you are more likely to succeed at the next task. So count your effort - don’t discount it! 

Every time you relapse and then bounce back, really acknowledge yourself and celebrate your effort. You can keep a tally, give yourself a gold star or a physical pat on the back, whatever you need to mark the occasion and cue the dopamine. Your brain will crave the reward and subconsciously begin to look for more opportunities to bounce back. Suddenly the subconscious mind that was working against you, is on team transformation. 

Just like eating well or staying fit, it’s a practice not a quick fix or one size fits all approach. With no end in sight, we practice change and mindfulness daily. Your practice will evolve and it will see seasons of strong dedication and low motivation. Along the way, remember to think back to your early ‘aha’ moments and celebrate how far you’ve come, which will provide an encouraging hit of dopamine to accelerate your momentum. 

Set regular reminders for reflection, like a ‘Mindset Monday’. Checking in on your thoughts allows you to catch mindless patterns early. Finish sentences like ‘I feel’ to uncover things you’re avoiding. Remember to ask yourself why, why and why again to get the root of your mindless chatter. And don’t forget to schedule regular ‘Progress Parties’ to take stock of your achievements, no matter how big or small. 

The fear of failure is the number one thing that stops us from engaging in the process of change. When we understand that failure isn’t fatal, just an important part of the process, theoretically we are free to pursue our dreams. But in a culture that idolises effortless perfection, becoming a friend to failure is easier said than done. 

This’s why ‘Failure Friendly’ exists. My obsession with finding creative freedom and confidence has led me to create free evidence based Toolkit and Action Cards that guide you with practical actions through the process of changing your mindset. The toolkit is full of rules and guidelines for establishing a safe space for change and creativity, while the Action Cards give you opportunities to practice the skills of self-awareness, self-belief and self-compassion for a balanced and sustainable approach to change and creativity. 

They’ve changed my life and I can’t wait to share them with you!

- Buzzy