3 questions to calm your farm
Did you know that ‘triage’ is a French word that means to sort or categorise into three groups? When you walk into a hospital emergency room a Triage Nurse will categorise you by severity: high, medium or low. With a few simple questions they swiftly turn chaos into order. Today ma chérie, we will do the same. We will create order in a chaotic mind by learning how to Triage Your Worries! It’s ridiculously easy and unbelievably powerful. Are you ready?
You can listen to this post on Apple Podcast or Soundcloud.
There are just three questions we need to ask our worries, in a strict order. But first get clear on what the worry is. You might like to write it down. If there is more than one worry, give them all a ticket and we’ll get to each, one at a time. It’s a quick process so they won’t be waiting long.
Question 1: Is this worry REAL?
This is a trick question, there is only one right answer: YES! If you feel this emotion, than it is real to you. This first step is about validation. By validating how we feel we begin the process of calming our minds. When are minds are calm we are able to be more objective as we move into step two and three. If we try to detangle our minds by dismissing, denying or down-playing how we feel, the emotion will only intensify, creating more chaos in the mind and body. So don’t skip this step, take a moment and a deep breath to validate your worry. It IS real.
Question 2: Is this worry TRUE?
Just because a worry is real, doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s true. This is where we begin to be objective and look at the worry as if it belonged to someone else. When you ask the worry if it is true, the aim is not to ‘think’ of the answer. If you find yourself thinking ‘what if it is true’, ‘what if it’s not’, ‘what does it mean it isn’t true?’, justifying or rationalising why you want or need it to be true etc, then you are not calming your mind - you’re creating more thoughts, more stories and more chaos. Instead we must try to ask the question, sit with it, feel into it and wait for the answer to naturally rise to the surface. This is your inner voice, your guidance system or gut feeling. Your inner truth doesn’t spin stories, it will simply and calmly tell you ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Take a deep breath and wait.
We are not taught to tune in to ourselves, instead we’re conditioned to listen to authority. If this is your first time tuning into your inner voice then it’s completely normal to feel uneasy, you may not know what it sounds like or have the courage to trust it yet. You may need to feel into both ‘yes‘ and ‘no’ to decide which one feels the truest while entertaining some thoughts along the way. That might be your process for now and that’s fine. As you practice Triaging Your Worries, you will get better at tuning in. Eventually you won’t need the thinking (second guessing) to reach your answer. That’s the goal anyway.
TIP: This second step is about establishing accuracy. If you’re unsure ask yourself what evidence do you have to back up this worry? Is it based on an assumption? If you need more information to be one hundred percent certain - the answer is NO. The clarity you need is waiting for you in the final question.
If YES - your worry is real and true than you have a Level 1 Worry: ‘Take Action Now’. These worries go to the front of the line. You have established that the threat is real and urgent action must be taken. Only you will know the right action. It may be to remove yourself from the threat by walking away, saying no, or giving yourself and mental health day. The right action may be to ask someone you can trust for help. You do not have to explain or justify yourself here, just honour your need for emotional and physical safety and get away from anyone who tries to gaslight you for doing so.
If NO - this worry is not true or accurate, then don’t believe everything you think! Follow me to our next step.
QUESTION 3: Is this worry HELPFUL?
Just because a worry isn’t true, doesn’t mean it isn’t helpful. Our worries are often trying to help us by alerting us to action we can take. And sometimes it is just anxiety tormenting us with unrealistic notions that we must control the uncontrollable. Again, take a deep grounding breath and feel into the question, only from a calm quiet place will the honest answer surface.
TIP: This final step is about establishing clarity, clarifying if this is a healthy worry or an unhealthy belief. If your worry is hinting at or pointing you towards clear action than YES it’s helpful. If it’s keeping you stuck in a loop victim thinking, without any clear solution or action, than NO it’s not your friend.
If YES - your worry is helpful than you have a LEVEL 2 Worry: ‘Take Action Soon’. You’ve established that the threat is not immediate, so no urgent action needs to be taken. However this worry is alerting you to something that could become a problem in the future. What you need to do now is turn your worry into action by making a plan or creating a strategy to minimise or avoid the problem. This may mean writing a list, making a draft, rehearsing, doing research, setting a reminder and not leaving things to the last minute. Lift the corners of your mouth towards the sky and enjoy this sense of empowerment because this worry works for you - not the other way around. Go make a plan you capable thang!
If NO - your worry is not helpful than you have a LEVEL 3 Worry: ‘Take No Action’. What we have here is not really a worry at all, you have uncovered an unhealthy belief you hold about our internal or external reality. Acting on or believing in a Level 3 Worry will only lead to further suffering. This instead is an invitation for growth. By facing this wounded part of yourself you can reprogram your limiting belief. If you’re up for it read on.
After six years of researching the fear of failure, I’ve discovered two main ways to end vicious thinking cycles:
1. If your worry is trying to tell you there is something helplessly wrong with you, this is an experience of Self Doubt. Self Doubt is an immature masculine trait that can be matured into strong self belief. We can remember how to trust ourselves and release self doubt by reframing the worry with a Growth Mindset exercises.
Eg. Instead of telling yourself ‘I don’t know how’, try reframing the fear to something more accurate and helpful like: ‘I don’t know how yet’. See how the word ‘YET’ opens up a door of possibility?
2. If your worry is trying to tell you there is something helplessly wrong with your external reality, a situation or another person, this is an experience of Self Pity. Self Pity is an immature feminine trait that can be matured into unconditional self compassion. We can remember how to trust the process and relieve self pity by embracing a Self Compassion Exercise.
Eg. Hold space for yourself to grieve your expectations. With a hand on your heart affirm that ‘Of course I feel this way. It’s okay to feel this way, this is a part of the human experience, we all feel this way from time to time. It’s okay.’
I recommend trying both exercises and judging for yourself which one was more powerful for you.
For more exercises to release and relieve limiting beliefs you can get yourself a deck of Failure Friendly Action Cards, there are 7 activities for Self Belief, 7 for Self Compassion and 7 for Self Awareness. The Failure Friendly Mindset aims to balance both masculine and feminine aspects of ourselves, Self Belief and Self Compassion, action and rest, to ensure our creative practice is a sustainable one. Self Awareness check-ins (like this exercise for Triaging Your Worries) are vital for knowing when we are off balance and when to sway the other way - like how I’ve just strayed from the point of this post.
Back to Triaging Your Worries. Create order in a chaotic mind by asking your worries if they are: Real? True? Helpful?
Voilà!
May this practice bring you deep calm, clarity and confidence.
All the best,
Buzzy